By Suzi Marean
Special to the Sounder
Usually these words bring forth horrifying images of women beaten up, bloodied lips, broken bones, black eyes, and angry bruises. We often discount the actual reality of domestic violence – the unseen horror that creates terror in its victims, the children and adults with barely a hand lifted in anger. So if it isn’t always about physical violence, then what IS domestic violence?
Yes, physical abuse is present for many victims, but often the real damage begins and ends with a pattern of behaviors geared toward achieving dominance and control. What does this really look like?
Many victims (mostly women but a few men, too) have come to my office all with stories differing only in some of the details. There is an identifiable pattern to domestic violence. In aggregate they paint the same picture of victimization through coercion and control that slips often unrecognized into emotional abuse, psychological abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, and ultimately into physical abuse. The story I’m about to tell is of no one person but the story of many.
Her eyes were guarded. Her body slightly stooped with shoulders hunched as if protecting her chest, her heart.
She said, “I don’t know if I really belong here. He’s never actually hit me or anything. I don’t want to get him in trouble.”
She said it was wonderful in the beginning. “He was so sweet and understanding. We did things together – laughed and played.”
She related that he began to criticize her about little things, then her housekeeping, her cooking, her choices.
“He told me he didn’t like my friends, and that my mom needed to stay out of our business. When anyone called, he demanded to know what we talked about. He started asking me where I went, who I saw, and what I did while he was at work.”
She was cut off from her family and friends.
“He said I was a bad mother; that he couldn’t trust me to take care of his kids.”
She described his escalating and imagined suspicions of her disloyalty to him, his increasing criticism of her intellect and abilities. He had a “look in his eyes when he said horrible things to me. It was so cold, so . . . mean. It was like I disgusted him.”
He demanded to know where every penny went and finally took control of all their finances. He gave her money only when she begged for it to buy food and gas or something necessary for the kids, but never all she needed. As the vise of control continued to tighten she began to doubt herself as a person, a wife, a partner, as a mother. It seemed all her energy was devoted to trying to please him, and she never could. Things had to be perfect. They were always fighting. He told her it was her fault. He threatened her saying, “you’ll be sorry if you don’t do what I tell you,” or “I’ll get you for that if you don’t watch out!”
He started yelling at the kids and telling them their mother didn’t love them.
He grabbed her, once, with a grip strong enough to hurt.
“I’m not sure, but it felt like he might have pushed me. I fell but I probably just stumbled. He’s always telling me I’m so awkward,” she said.
As I listened to the horror of her unfolding story I recognized the elements in the pattern of domestic violence and felt fear for her.
I would ask, “Are you afraid?”
“Yes,” she would say, “but I love him.”
The pattern of domestic violence and abuse is easily recognizable. She was effectively cut off from all sources of support from family and friends. She had no money. She had nowhere to turn. Most of all, she lost her greatest asset – her belief in herself. And yet, she did not want to leave him. She came for help to try to “fix” it, to make it work somehow, still believing that if she were good enough he would become the loving man he used to be.
To some, her story might seem unbelievable. You could be thinking, it can’t really be that bad. No one would ever pull that with me! Hey, he’s the head of the house.
It’s easy to discredit victims of domestic violence, especially in the absence of broken bones, black eyes, and cut lips. In my work as advocate for victims of domestic violence, I do occasionally see physical abuse: the bruising on her neck where he tried to strangle her, the finger marks on her arms, the swollen and bruised face from his punches. But the story of the many other victims is so much more insidious, hidden behind the gradual escalation of criticism and demeaning comments, financial and social isolation, manipulation, and control and, ultimately, her feelings of powerlessness and fear.
I sincerely hope this story helped to clarify the “look” of domestic violence, but more than that, I hope this offers insight enough to recognize the signs of domestic violence you may see in friends, family, or perhaps in your own life. It crosses all the lines of education, age, gender, economic and social position.
An advocate can be reached at any time by calling our 24-hour Crisis Line at 468-4567 (Lopez), 378-2345 (San Juan), and 376-1234 (Orcas). Call 911 if it’s an emergency. Please, don’t hesitate to contact us, your information is completely confidential.
Suzi Marean is the Lopez Community Advocate for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services of the San Juan Islands.
