A story of boys, bullying and blocked emotions

Published 2:51 pm Wednesday, January 29, 2014

by MEREDITH M. GRIFFITH

Sounder Contributor

(Editor’s note: This is the second story in a two-part series about bullying and how it affects island children.)

Boys are biologically disposed to be aggressive and violent, naturally insensitive, and risk-takers. Myth or fact?

Marriage and Family Counselor Beth Jenson debunked this and other myths last Wednesday night at the Orcas Island School in a well-attended talk entitled “Beyond Bravado: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys.”

“Boys and girls both show aggression,” said Jenson. “It’s just packaged differently.”

Jenson invited input from the men in the crowd as she shared her own theories on boy aggression, peppered with facts like these: Boy babies tend to be more sensitive than girl babies; testosterone spurs increased activity, not aggression; and kids under age two appear to show equal amounts of assertive behavior.

In Jenson’s view, our cultural expectations play a big role in shaping our boys and how they handle stress, frustration and conflict with others.

That includes beliefs that boys should display dominance, machismo, and self-reliance and that boys are psychologically unaware, unsocialized and dangerous; that boys need to be “civilized” by females to “save” them from violence, sexual aggression, delinquency and cruelty.

These myths create an environment that doesn’t allow boys to cry; to be scared; or even to be too glad.

In a social environment, Jenson said, boys who are athletic, tough, aggressive, dominant, sexually assertive and taller tend to attain positions of power and to show contempt for those weaker than they. Boys who display fear, sadness or too much happiness, or who show respect for girls, can be immediately ostracized, mocked or subjected to violence.

As a result, boys can become emotionally stymied, justifiably afraid to show emotions other than anger.

They can become afraid of being overpowered, looking weak or foolish, or showing their emotions in public.

They can become lonely and ashamed.

All these pent-up, taboo feelings of fear and sadness can be blocked behind a wall of silence, or released in a flood of aggressive or disruptive behavior.

“Boys are rarely ‘just angry,’” Jenson said – usually anger displayed is a substitute for very raw fear, disappointment, hurt or despair.

She said sometimes the release is so powerful that boys become afraid of their own anger.

She talked about “loosening the emotional straitjacket” using a handful of tools: starting with the assumption that all four main emotions (mad, sad, glad and scared) are present; validating emotions through reflective listening; talking about your own big emotions; and giving a boy words to describe his experiences.

She said it’s really important to separate deeds from identity, saying that a mistake, or “I did something wrong,” is far easier to recover from than from shame, or the certainty that “I AM something wrong.”

Other helpful measures Jenson recommended were: building friendships with girls; discussing okay and not okay ways to release angry energy; caring for animals; creative expression; being part of a group; and helping boys feel needed.

Jenson also included a strong plea for adults to protect boys from internet pornography, saying the number of clients she sees with full-blown sexual addiction is “astounding.”

“It’s a huge problem, and our kids are the guinea-pigs,” she said. “It’s made to be addictive. It’s extremely chemical, and it’s one of the hardest addictions to break [because of] what it does to your brain.”

She added that Internet porn is a whole different ball game from old-school magazine photos, as websites pull viewers in to experience harder and harder porn, skewing boys’ ideas of normal sexual relationships.

And at the end of the day, there are three things every child needs to hear, said Jenson.

“You are important to me. You are good. You are loved. No matter what.”