by MEREDITH M. GRIFFITH
Sounder contributor
The lifeboat fits eight – but there are 15 children piled into it. Systematically and ruthlessly, the most powerful girls begin throwing out the weaker ones.
“‘Girl bullying’ tends to go on at most schools I’ve been at,” said family therapist Beth Jenson at a presentation in the Orcas School Library last Wednesday. “What possesses our kids to do this kind of meanness to other kids?”
Sounds like an episode of “Survivor,” or “Lord of the Flies”? Jenson referred to both as she explained the psychological nuts and bolts of social aggression among girls. When they’re young, said Jenson, girls find their identity in family. But a crucial shift occurs around fifth or sixth grade: peers become the defining force.
At this age, “Who I am is who I hang with,” said Jenson.
Kids can truly believe the demeaning labels handed out by more powerful peers, even abandoning true friends who are rejected by the “queen bees.”
To complicate things, Jenson said anger is not socially acceptable in girls, so unexpressed anger is funneled into acts of indirect aggression.
“The word ‘bully’ loses its meaning when we start talking about real people,” she said. “A lot of times the meanest kids are the ones who are hit around at home.”
Anxiety, pain or anger can all fuel thinly veiled aggressive behavior, like cutting remarks accompanied by a giggled “just kidding!” Jenson said girls gain social currency or power through gossip or slander because it alienates the subject from mutual friends, giving the gossiper the upper hand.
Jenson said that sometime in their late teens, girls begin finding a stronger internal identity they can carry with them independent of their peers. But life can become extremely painful for girls who end up at the bottom of the social structure during these middle years.
Cues that your kid may be being bullied include: an abrupt lack of interest in or refusal to attend school, dropping grades, withdrawal from family or school activities, out of character behavior, derogatory or demeaning language used to discuss peers, stomachaches or headaches, inability to sleep, exhaustion and suddenly not talking about peers or everyday activities.
That’s where the community comes in.
“Kids don’t think – they just do,” said Jensen, “until a big person comes along and says, ‘What are you doing?’”
She said it’s up to influential leaders at the top – parents, teachers, administrators, highly regarded students – to establish a culture of kindness. She urged adults not to give away their power in this area.
“Start with those in positions of power,” she said, encouraging adults to talk with kids about what kind or cruel behavior looks like and how it affects the people involved.
Jenson said Orcas appears to host a more inclusive culture than the exclusive suburban school she recently left – although she did lament the lack of a drama class, which she said can be a significant respite for kids who aren’t athletic.
Patty Sawyer, an Orcas school playground supervisor for 26 years, said that recently more kids are asking her to defend other children from injustice. She credits that to parenting.
To parents who suspect their child is being bullied, “Please talk to us,” urged Orcas School Family Support Advocate Julie Pinardi, saying it’s not always obvious to staff. Jenson added that kids often laugh while being bullied.
How to address suspected bullying
Ask your child indirectly. Sit side-by-side, with your hands occupied over some task. Ask general questions like “What do kids do when they want to be mean?” or “Who gets picked on?” Don’t minimize the situation. Don’t criticize your child or their friends. Jenson also urged parents to carefully address the situation with teachers and administrators.
Jenson will discuss social aggression in boys on Jan. 22, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. in the school library. Watch for a story next week.
